Eric: E3 is over, and so is the time Derek and I spent spooning on our hotel beds.

Derek: Ah, memories. It was a time not only of love, but of playing games, drinking beer with the BioWare guys, and getting turned away more times than Jesus Christ.

Eric: She really is married, I bet. No woman would ever turn me away with a lie like that. I'm too hot.

Derek: Maybe. But then why was she making out with John Romero behind the Ubisoft booth? At least you got to score on a forum member's girlfriend, though.

Eric: Her memory will haunt the rest of my days as I wonder what could have been. Sigh.

Derek: But it was not all being hit on by other people's girlfriends, it was also about being owned at the door of the Midway party, and being served when we tried to get in to see WWE Day of Reckoning.

Eric: I really wish I had videotaped all of those moments so I could have made a montage of us being rejected from every party, get-together, and invitation we came across. Luckily, TNL was eventually able to score meetings with BioWare and EA to see Jade Empire and Battlefield 2. Drinking beer while talking to BioWare about all of their games will remain a strong fanboy memory of mine. Nothing can top that, other than Nick's ass.

Derek: Yeah, Nick's ass was the game of the show for me. We also eventually got into THQ, thanks to the Internet Mom, who, when I gave her a light, gave us her heart and her contact. Bless you, Internet Mom, wherever you are.

Eric: I suppose we should stop with the small chat and get right into the awards. We'll start from the top with our "Game of the Show." You first.

Derek: I'm going to say it's a tie. As much as I hate when people do that kind of thing, I just can't pick between Jade Empire and Fable. They're both games that made me tingle inside. If we're going to choose a non-playable game, I'll say Battlefield 2, although Lord of the Rings: Battle For Middle Earth is a strong second.

Eric: WTF? Pick one and stick to it.

Derek: Don't tell me what to do, I'm the man in this relationship, and you're the Asian. I'll say Fable, because you'll pick Jade Empire for me.

Eric: Damn right. BioWare 's games were good when they were still using the same engine for the fourth or so time, but now that they have a brand-new system with brand-new ideas and gameplay . . . I'm hard just talking about it.

Derek: It's going to serve every other console RPG next year, including Final Fantasy XII, which might be the first good and innovative Final Fantasy game in years.

Eric: They're following BioWare's lead, I don't care what anyone says. I'm also not saying that's a bad thing - that's the best thing to ever happen to Final Fantasy.

Derek: Everyone should be more like BioWare. That includes giving us free beer and posters.

Eric: As for "Most Disappointing, Totally Worthless Game of E3," I give that award to Doom 3 on the Xbox. Doom 1 and 2 are my most played, most loved games ever, and Doom 3 is a slow, dark bore that we've all played before, just not as pretty. Actually, I can't even tell if it was that pretty, since everything was dark and crappy.

Derek: I didn't play anything that disappointed me, but my "Worst Game of the Show" was SNK vs. Capcom for the Xbox. What a pile of shit. I mean it's ugly, plays horribly, and it's just all around horrible. I can see why even 2D-fighter fans hate it.

Eric: Oh God, I forgot about that. I don't know if it was just incomplete, but when you beat me at it, there wasn't even a big "KO" or something to let us know the choppy, unplayable match was over. It just went right to the menu again.

Derek: I'm sure it was incomplete, but they should probably keep it that way and save us all a lot of time and pain. Anyway, we know both of our "Xbox Games of the Show," but since Nintendo made us love them again, we should name our "GameCube Games of the Show," too.

Eric: Metroid Prime 2 wins by default, since we didn't get to play anything else because E3 was overrun by nerds. Advance Wars for GC looked sweet, though I don't know why it's called "Advance" Wars when it's not on the GBA. Paper Mario 2 was more of the same, except prettier and with lots of loading. I wanted to try Pikmin 2, but I didn't care when faced with a choice between that and every other game I could be playing.

Derek: I also understand that they revealed some kind of new Zelda game at some point during the show. I'm going to pick that, despite the fact that I owned you and Nick so thoroughly in Bounty Hunter mode in Prime 2. PS2 Game of the Show" is hard to pick though, since I didn't actually play any. I'll just say Final Fantasy XII, to be different.

Eric: That's true, I don't remember touching a PS2 controller at E3. I don't remember ever touching one in my house since the last SmackDown: You're My Girlfriend Now White Boy game came out. I hate you, Sony. PSP sucks too.

Derek: Yes it does, and the DS rules. Who would have thought? This was a really bad show for Sony, as Nintendo owned them on the handheld front and Microsoft served them on the console front. The PSP demos at the show were all running on emulators running off of PCs hiding inside those really thick walls too. God they suck.

Eric: The DS didn't show much else either, other than a few weak tech demos. However, it's really easy to see the potential in it now compared to when Nintendo made up some lame soccer idea to promote the system. The two screens are still a bit of a novelty with no real logical improvements to gameplay other than making your eyes bleed, but it's better than the PSP having one screen that plays crap.

Derek: And it has Animal Crossing and Wi-Fi. They had my money with that. Speaking of handhelds, I don't have a "Handheld Game of the Show," except for Animal Crossing DS and that new Super Mario Bros. for DS. I didn't play any GBA games, and the N-Gage, well, that's too easy.

Eric: I guess Animal Crossing wins by default, though I don't care about handhelds. Prince of Persia 2 gets my pick for "Jesus Christ, I Really Have to Play the First One Now" of the show. Even though you say it's a perfect game and everyone loves it, I never picked it up for the same reason a lot of other people didn't: "Ehh, whatever." After seeing the second game in action though, I know I must be missing out on something amazing.

Derek: You are, and the second one is shaping up to be something even better. It's dark without being cliché and has some really good additions to the combat. World of Warcraft gets my pick for "So MMORPGs Can Be Good?" I didn't play it, but I watched the hell out of it, and from what you tell me, it rules.

Eric: I only played it for ten minutes, but in those ten minutes, I didn't have to sit and watch my health and mana go up, so Blizzard gets a thumbs-up from me.

Derek: What was your "Minor Celebrity Encounter of the Show"? Mine had to have been seeing Squeak from Baseketball on the Metro. If we're counting gaming celebrities, playing Def Jam while Shigeru Miyamoto looked on was great. Thankfully, I won. Eat it, Nick.

Eric: Miyamoto is proud of your Def Jam skills. I'd have to say Squeak from Baseketball too, though Michelle Rodriguez (who?) came over and said "Nice!" when we were playing Mortal Kombat: Deception, the game that gets my "Best Developer Conversation While Being Shown a Game" of the show.

Derek: I would agree. Talking Mortal Kombat for thirty minutes was the highlight of the show for me. It's too bad you missed like half of it because you had to take a dump. Midway's PR rep is the nicest person in the world. I wish she'd marry me, so she gets my "You're So Nice To Me, Even Though I'm Only From a Fansite" award.

Eric: Oh, and my "Best Beverage with a Great Name" award goes to Bawls, who were handing out their crack-like drink for free in the morning.

Derek: We never got a Bawls bag though, and that makes me sad. For anyone wondering, it's basically carbonated, caffeinated water, and it's the best thing I've ever drunk. Yes, Bawls is one of the best things I've ever put in my mouth. My award for "Worst Celebrity Encounter" was seeing ICP. We just ignored them and didn't make eye contact because they suck so bad, unlike Bawls.

Eric: They're even sillier in person. I can't imagine ever being that . . . lame. For another award, I'll give Halo 2 the "Everyone Knew You Would Be Awesome, But Still, Thanks For Not Sucking" of the show. Even though we couldn't get in the door to play it, we did see it at the Microsoft conference, and I think everyone in the room had an erection the entire time.

Derek: I did, but that's because Ali was right next to us. My "I Knew You Would Suck So Thanks For Being Way Out Of The Way" award goes to State of Emergency 2. It was the first game I played, since there wasn't a soul within fifty feet of it, and it was as horrible as I expected.

Eric: I have to give the "Best Drunk" award to Nick, who drank beer for the first time in a long while (I'm guessing) and ended up screaming, "Where's my fucking food?" to the waitress, who later made him apologize to her. Then he kept wanting to get some liquor all night. He also gets my award for being the cleanest man on the planet, even gasping for life when he accidentally touched a parking meter that he assumed to be dirty. "My hands are tightening from the dirt!"

Derek: Nick was my favorite part of the show overall. From his sharp wit to his amazing neuroses, he's the man in charge. He also gets my "Best Drunk" award. He also laughed like a goon when I made a mechanical horse violate a toy rabbit in one of the stores outside of Universal Studios, proving that he's just like the rest of us, only cleaner.

Eric: The "We Define the Stereotype" award goes to the two black women in the bus with us at one point who argued at each other, even though they didn't know each other. They seriously went on for like ten minutes just arguing back and forth over nothing, being loud and stubborn in the process. "This is a public phone!" is now the battle cry for the evolving African-American woman who wants to free herself from everything that's holding her down. You go, sisters; you've done so much to aid your race's problems with its stereotypes. Nick gets another award here for "Best Example of Wit" as the bus driver said she needed a cop to come over, and Nick said "No, we need a grade school teacher."

Derek: I thought for sure he was going to end up in the middle of it, and it seemed like he was trying his hardest. I think it was his attempt to improve race relations, which is what Nick is all about. That's why on our first day in L.A. he took you and me to Subway, bought us sandwiches, and had a palaver with us on how to stop racism on the TNL forums. That's why he gets my award for "You Made The Right Decision Asking Us How To Quell Racism." I think it was really a productive meeting, and the Mexican gentleman who made our sandwiches, the one who cleaned our table after we left, and the black guy who panhandled us on the way to the hotel agreed.

Eric: "Worst Music" goes to that horrible, pathetic DJ playing at Namco's booth. I've never heard such uninspired, boring beats that didn't even have any sort of rhythm or method to them. Namco's games sucked anyway.

Derek: My "Small Booth of the Show" and "Damn, I Guess It Isn't Such a Horrible Idea After All" awards both go to Infinitum, for the Phantom. It's a good idea for people who aren't bright enough to upgrade their PCs but still don't want to miss out on the best games in the world.

Eric: And you really do have to be dim to not have a good PC and want a Phantom. The Phantom sucked. It's a PC that works for your TV that you pay monthly for. It's for retards who think AOL Top Speed is really faster than their dial-up. I don't know what other awards I can give here, I think we covered everything I cared about.

Derek: Me too. I'll close with saying that the best part of the week was Hooters on Friday night after the show with Nick, Josh, Burg, Geert, Shinobi, Shinobi's friend who no one talked to, Bahn, you, and me. Nick was drunk and surly, the girls were hot, and I can never get enough of paying $23 for a pitcher of Guinness. Worst part of the week was not playing anything. Like Tycho from Penny Arcade said, "You'd think that you spend three days at E3 playing games, and it just doesn't work that way. You spend three days sampling small amounts of a couple hundred games, and those samples are typically drawn from such a truncated set of the entire game experience that it rarely satisfies," and he's so right. But at least we got to drink with Bioware.

· · · Derek Durham and Eric Williams